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Bryce Harper Has Quit Baseball Because He Says One Of The Cardboard Cutout Fans Called Him A ‘Fat Boy’

Thanks to COVID-19, the 2020 MLB season has been played under less than ideal circumstances, and as a result, one of baseball’s biggest stars appears to be ready to move on from the game for good: Philadelphia Phillies right fielder Bryce Harper has quit baseball because he says one of the cardboard cutout fans called him a “fat boy.”

Damn. This is a seriously shocking announcement from one of the brightest stars in the game.

Speaking to reporters after yesterday’s double header, Harper opened up about a traumatic incident that occurred late in Game 2, when a cardboard cutout of a fan seated near the right field foul pole whispered, “Hey there, fat boy,” at the Phillies slugger, causing him to immediately burst into tears and storm off the field. While nobody else has been able to corroborate Harper’s account of events, he remains completely distraught and says that in addition to calling him a fat boy, the cardboard cutout called him a “pig’s lawyer” and “a rat-faced warthog man.” The six-time all star said that the comments hurt his feelings so much that he no longer has the will to keep playing.

“One of the paper men called me a fat boy and now I don’t want to play baseball anymore,” Harper told reporters. “I am not a fat boy. I am a muscular person who looks exactly like Jimmy Stewart from the movies. That cardboard cutout has no idea what it is talking about. I refuse to play a sport where a two-dimensional man in a porkpie hat can call me fat boy with impunity.”

The Phillies’ front office tried to smooth things over with Harper by taking the offending cardboard cutout into the stadium parking lot and setting it on fire, but Harper remained inconsolable and shortly thereafter doubled down on his decision by ripping up his $330 million contract and feeding his baseball glove through a paper shredder. 

Wow. Sounds like his mind is made up.

This is definitely a major setback for the Phillies and a huge blow for baseball fans everywhere who were hoping to watch Bryce Harper continue to dazzle on the ball field for many years to come. Now that he’s been called a fat boy by a cardboard cutout, he’ll have to find a new career, and the Phillies will have to find someone to fill the massive hole Harper has left in their organization. Hopefully the Phillies can sign a new right fielder who has a slightly thicker skin and won’t quit the sport entirely just because one of the cardboard cutouts mumbles an insult at him!

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