MEDON, TN—Struggling to make heads or tails of the long, thick cord, a division of confused U.S. Army Corps of Engineers members were reportedly trying Wednesday to figure out what the big blue cable connected to the country does. “We tracked this huge blue cable from the Eastern Seaboard through the Appalachian Mountains and across the Ohio River, but we still have no clue what it’s supposed to be for,” said civil designer Christopher Maylor, scratching his head while adding that separate teams of engineers had responded to sightings of big blue cables near Montana’s Glacier National Park and running along the Texas–New Mexico border, and they were all wondering if it was the same cord. “It’s pretty thick and weatherproofed, so it must be really important. It’s at least 750 miles long, at least the part we’ve tracked so far, and it’s definitely plugged into the country somewhere, because when you try to pull it, it doesn’t give. Of course, we don’t want to pull on it too hard, in case we unplug it from wherever it’s plugged into. That could be really bad. We’re pretty sure we’ve ruled out it being an electrical grid thing, but our big worry is that it’s from one of those big New Deal projects that never got labeled but still connects to some key piece of infrastructure. I guess all we can do is keep looking.” At press time, the Army Corps of Engineers decided to unplug the cable and former President Jimmy Carter immediately died.