FBI Narrows Down Identity Of Red-Faced Man Carrying Confederate Flag Through Capitol To Millions Of Americans

WASHINGTON—Stressing that they were pursuing all leads to bring the individual to justice, the FBI reported Monday that it had been able to narrow down the identity of a red-faced man carrying a Confederate flag through the U.S. Capitol Building to several million Americans. “Thanks to plentiful photographic evidence showing a visibly-irate white man with a goatee holding the symbol of slavery and white supremacy while storming the Senate chambers, we’re able to laser-focus our investigation on a mere five million possible suspects,” said Deputy FBI Director David Bowdich, noting that his team had used additional testimony about the middle-aged man’s irate chants of “This isn’t over” and “Hang Mike Pence” to hone in on a far more precise list that only includes citizens in tens of thousands of different towns and cities across the country. “In fact, our profile of this man as gun-owning Q-Anon conspiracy theorist with a military background and an inclination toward open insurrection means that we’ll only need to look at a mere one-percent of the U.S. total population before we find our suspect. Really, the bulging vein on his forehead is what gives him away, along with the few million other Americans who look just like him.” At press time, Bowdich had confirmed that the plethora of written and video evidence of the man posted on social media also meant the FBI believed they could start questioning suspects by mid-2022.


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