Man Excited To Get Tattoo That Will One Day Be Used To Identify His Corpse

MURFREESBORO, TN—Poring over the shop’s book of designs for what he didn’t yet know would soon be his only defining feature, local man Brendan Lyons was reportedly excited Monday to get the tattoo that will one day be used to identify his corpse. “This is going to be my first tattoo, so I want to get something unique that really says it’s me,” said Lyons to the tattoo artist who would someday confirm the identity of the badly disfigured body bearing a three-inch Squidward tattoo on a charred bicep in the accident investigator’s photograph. “I’ve always wanted to do this. I was going to get one right when I turned 18, but I’m glad I waited a couple years so I could get one that felt more like the adult me. Guess I’m going to have this on me for the rest of my life. That’s crazy.” At press time, the man had left the tattoo parlor and was expressing his stress over an upcoming haircut that he would only enjoy for 39 hours before the accident.


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