LOS ANGELES—Luxuriating in the precious few seconds before the real world came rushing back to him, local man Kevin Spacey reportedly spent a few moments in bed relaxing Friday morning before remembering he is Kevin Spacey. “Oh, fuck, that’s right,” mumbled Spacey, who had spent the previous moments basking in the early morning sunlight shining on his face through the window before remembering that he was a total fucking asshole facing dozens of sexual abuse allegations. “God, I’m a real monster huh? Just an irredeemable piece of shit. Well, back to bed, I guess.” At press time, Spacey was suppressing the inescapable pit in his stomach by reminding himself he did nothing wrong and everyone else was just jealous.