Media Glad It Can Finally End Half-Assed Charade Of Trying To Understand American Populace

NEW YORK—Expressing their profound relief that they would soon put aside the agonizing song and dance, media outlets nationwide noted their excitement this week at finally ending the half-assed charade of trying to understand the American populace. “God, it’s been such a fucking slog going into Bumblefuck, Iowa and having to pretend that I cared what some hayseed dipshit thought about the president’s China tariffs,” said NBC anchor Chuck Todd, echoing thousands of journalists and broadcasters across the country who noted that if they had to feign compassion for the plight of a tearful Rust Belt worker for one more minute, they would have to “put a fucking bullet in their brain” without hesitation. “Jesus Christ, just the thought of eating another one of these blue-plate specials at some dingy diner makes me want to puke all over one of those cattle-raising, Old Navy–wearing numbskulls. This is great, though. All these rural hill jacks can go get reamed.” At press time, the nation’s journalists had all announced plans to spend the next four years with wall-to-wall fawning profiles of boutique art gallery owners in upstate New York.


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