Trump Supporters Fighting Over Used Tissues President Tossed From SUV

BETHESDA, MD—Clawing at each other as they grabbed up his discarded, mucus-filled wipings, supporters of President Donald Trump reportedly fought over the used facial tissues he tossed from his SUV Sunday as his motorcade passed by outside Walter Reed National Military Medical Center. “Fuck you, that one’s mine!” said Lewis Reynolds, a 33-year-old presidential well-wisher who was seen exchanging blows with other Trump fans as they brawled in the street to secure possession of one of the dozen or so crumpled-up and fully saturated tissues. “Give it back! He was looking at me when he threw it out. I was standing right here waiting to catch it during his whole coughing fit, and then you swooped in at the last second and stole it from me!” Having emerged from the struggle with a tissue to take home, a visibly excited Reynolds told reporters he would be preserving it for posterity and was “never going to wash [his] hands again!”


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