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U.S. Vows To Invade Next Country That Asks For Covid Vaccine IP

WASHINGTON—Declaring that they had reached a decision on their international response to the global pandemic, U.S. government officials reportedly vowed Monday to invade the next country that asks for Covid vaccine intellectual property. “We’ve heard the international community’s bitching and moaning about us forcing the pharmaceutical companies to waive their vaccine patents and frankly, we’ve had it up to here—the next one of you who voices so much as a peep about this is getting a full-scale aerial assault,” said President Joe Biden in a statement, adding that after careful consideration he urged all developing countries to keeping calling for vaccines and see how they’d like being occupied. “Listen, we’ve been really accommodating so far by politely turning down your requests for life-saving vaccine intellectual property, but that era is over. I’m only going to say this once: the next goddamn country that releases a dumbass statement whining that the U.S. is hoarding vaccine IP and doing unimaginable damage to the health of global populations is going to find itself surrounded by naval aircraft carriers so fast it’ll make your heads spin. We’ve got troops ready to deploy absolutely anywhere in the world to bomb the next country that tries to infringe on U.S. firms’ profitability back into the Stone Age.” U.S. officials added that the developing countries better think twice before getting the World Health Organization to release another statement on their behalf, because they wouldn’t think twice about invading WHO either.

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